The Miami Connection

In person: star Grandmaster Y.K. Kim!

What? Ninja? Where? Oh no! I am dead! Dead from ninja. Yes, and you will be dead from ninja, too, once you gaze upon the crown jewel of American cinema, The Miami Connection. You will look at it and your face will melt off like Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. From the same cracked minds who gave us 2010 NYAFF discovery LA Streetfighters, The Miami Connection played in only three theaters when it was released before Ronald Reagan ordered the CIA to steal all the prints and lock them up. Because he was scared of ninja. But tonight we have a print and Ronald Reagan is dead, so who’s laughing now?

Worried looking white guys holding plastic uzis and wearing Panama hats, a band named Dragon Sound who only want to change the world via the interracial, intergalactic magic of Tae Kwon Do, and flocks of scurrying, scampering, sword-swinging ninjas. This is a Viking drinking song of excellence, a song written in throwing stars, bad dialogue, compound bows, and ninjas, ninjas, ninjas, ninjas, ninjas! Ninjas who can light bricks on fire with their hands! Dragon Sound is the new dimension in rock n’roll who play the hottest Miami nightclub, Park Avenue. They take off their shirts and sing songs like “Against the Ninja” with so much raw passion that their mullets burst into flames and laser beams shoot out of their crotches. One of them has not even ever had a birthday. It is making everyone cry! But still he is a good warrior.

He must be! William Eagle is a gangster with the world’s thickest beard, so dense and thick that it is like a black hole on his face…and he wants FIGHT! Who will he fight? Dragon Sound! But Dragon Sound will blow dry their hair into poodle towers, then stab everyone with their swords. As they sing it, they are “friends for eternity/loyalty/honesty/We’ll be together/forever/We’re on top because we play to win!” A movie made by people who learned everything in life from late night cable movies, where gangsters only speak in the language of random profanity, and where every son of a bitch can be fixed with a swift kick. This is a new dimension in movies!